distinctive

I find it remarkable that mornings have that distinctive "morning feel" about them. Regardless whether it is cool, rainy, hot, quiet, loud, or just subtle...they all have the same "air" about them.

This morning must have been the first morning all summer that I have actually risen from my bed at the time I intended too the night prior. With grand hopes I set my alarm clock falling asleep to the mantra in my head "get up when it goes off Rachel" - of course as soon as my alarm does resound with annoying beeps I (quick as lightening of course) hit the snooze button with ease and grace befitting a karate elite (which I will be one day...you wait and see)

This graceful action of hitting my snooze button naturally lasts for around an hour or so - displaying my astounding ability remain sleeping while at the same time hitting the snooze button faithfully. (this last point was proved during the school year as I had an alarm clock that went off every FOUR MINUTES - just think of the skill invovled with hitting that thing for over an hour before getting out of bed)

I was up because I had to fulfill my role as Gas Jockey. Walking to work I was blown away by the "morning"-ness of the morning. I was nearly deafened by the birds, which was odd. I mean normally they are loud - but this morning they were hollering at one another - not waiting for one to stop but rather displaying their ability to interrupt each other at will.

I have always "known" that I was to be a "morning" person. Every morning that I actually manage to be up for I know it, I feel it. It is very frustrating - especially in light of above mentioned getting up issue.I am going to the movie Madagascar (is that how you spell it?)

I am looking forward to it - it looks like a sauna full of laughs.
(thx for stopping by Mr. SBVP - I do believe that I know who you are. Hope your summer is smashin' Ciao)

Memories

It is hard to know what to do with memories.
Some moments leave you speechless, overwhelmed and in awe. Others leave you emotionally drained, confused, and hurt. I find it an amazing reality that we live in. Memories randomly attack us, fly out of that forgotten corner like a bat in a cave and we are usually helpless to the attack.

Often however, we don't mind because the sweetness, beauty, and warming depth of the moment soothes us, surprises us with its reality, and charges us for the beauties and memories that lie ahead.

I know that the time I spent in Winnipeg was a time that changed my life. Everything from the jobs I held, the people I worked with, the church(es) I attended, the experiances, wipe outs, regrets, and breathless moments - they are all such a deep part of me. Wound into every stitch of who I am and who I am growing into. That is an unsettling thought.

Lately every moment my mind has to wander it wanders to my memories of my time in Winnipeg. I feel helpless in the wake of them. The friendships, the tears, the growth, the humour, the mind bending, heart tearing, physically demanding, emotionally exhausting adventure that changed - and will continue to change - my life.

I love where I am at now - I really do - but I cannot express the longing of my soul to remain in my memories - the good ones and the bad ones - I want to return, I have every since I left and yet I know that I am here and am supposed to be here. What a frustrating position! Why was my time there so speacial? How is it that I am so wrecked for that place, those people?

If any people from my time in Winnipeg still read this blog - know that I love and miss your friendship and company more than expression allows

Restless

It was the type of restlessness that permeates everything that makes you who you are. It gets into every tendon, breath, and toe until you realize that you can't do anything about it. Festers is an appropriate word - the feeling festers, nothing really helps and you are left to yourself.

Walking in circles doesn't help, workin' out doesn't help, TV definately doesn't help however it does delay the feeling nicely for a while *wink*.
I did what only you can do living in a small town - I drove. I hit the back roads and left. Somehow when I am able too hit the backroads I always find abandoned farm yards it is like I gravitate towards them. What beautiful things; how exciting.

This yard I found had two buildings that looked like houses and a tonne of busted down vehicles and such kickin' around. Oh it was wonderful. The explorer/adventure in had my adrenaline pumping - I could have spent the evening there easily.

Thankfully I scare easily and could only handle a small exploration around this yard. You see as I kid I have seen and felt and been aware of way too many things that aren't necessarily in the physical realm so walking around alone, through buildings that were very old and on the edge of falling down gave me just enough sense to not linger and distrub anything that was - you know, kickin' around.

Coming back into town I just parked down on the back road and watched the sun set. I realized that something deep in me (probably because I am from saskatchewan) is that I need to be connected to the earth - if I am not in nature I loose my mind, something in me unhinges and I am not a balanced person. My OCD kicks up and I can't control anything.

So it was nice to be in nature, out on a dirt road south of town watching the sun set, watching the shadows of clouds play over eston in the horizon......ahhh....I realy love the praries.

Friday

This has got to be on of the most anticipated fridays I have ever had in my life. There really isn't any special reason, except that this week has been so packed with work both cleaning dorms and at the Coop, that when today - friday - hit I realize that
a) I don't work at the Coop from 5pm - 8pm today like I have been for the last three days and
b) I don't have to get up and work at the Coop all day tomorrow
What an exciting Friday.

I really do not have any complaints. I would much rather be working and working hard than not working at all. The last time I did manual labour was in Wpg and I was cleaning houses. Even though your body just takes a beating - there is nothing like the feeling of coming home just wasted because you have worked hard that day. Even though you have a million things to do when you get home those few minutes of rest that pop up randomly are sweet and pleasurable.

I really love the contrasts of life. I mean you don't really appreciate what it means to rest until you have been in a place of hardwork, termoil or unrest. You don't really know how deep love is until you have walked beside greif, you don't really understand how brilliant the light is until you have been in the darkness....Of course that all is pretty obvious to you readers, but those types of balances that we all have to walk in life are what make life exciting, hard, interesting, wonderful, burdensome...

what my mind is on

Well I have:
two 15 page papers to write by the end of JuneStreet Invaders "art" stuff to plan, organize, and make sure it works, Two classes to research, prepare, and timed properly, and a room to pack

Currently I am:
working full time cleaning dormslately working at the Coop as well (which has meant 9am - 8pm days) and trying to juggle all this stuff that I have to do.

How do I get so busy? There just isn't enough time in the day.

How are you doing lately?

writing

last night was TV night. Well for at least two hours and a smidgen I watched CSI and Without a Trace (excellent shows) and then 3/4's of ER (I miss the days when that show was good). It was nice - no it was great. I love those shows. (CSI and Without a Trace I mean)

I came home at about quarter to 10 - intending to go to bed. This didn't happen which was fine. I was craving, yearning for something and I paced around until I found out what it was.
I think I have always loved writing. At least I don't remember a time when I didn't. The sound of pen or pencil scratching against paper - ahh - wonderful.So i came hope and realized that this is what I was craving. I had to write.

I wrote for an hour. It was great. But then I couldn't go to bed. That has got to be one of the worse feelings. Knowing you need sleep but not being able to fall asleep. Oi.
I'm off to clean. Ciao ciao

work

I have been cleaning here around the college since monday. It is been good old fashioned hard work. hahaha. It is great being able to come home just wasted because the day was so long, you pushed your body so hard.

The only downfall - or hard thing to go through withdrawl about is the fact that the last time I had a job that pushed me physically and I would come home wasted I would watch a moive, then get something to eat. That was how I would recooperate. This time around however I do not live with a roomate that has a television. I really miss unwinding in that way.

Because of lack of TV - I have taken to the books. I just finished a really good series by Ted Decker, and now I am on my way through a five book series by Stephen Lawhead (which I have read already - excellent books) Maybe this proves how much I wish I could vedge infront of a TV. I started the first book of the series Tuesday afternoon and finished it last night.

Hey....did you guys realize that today is 05.05.05?!!
that's exciting - share it with a friend - tis the season.