all over the place

I obviously haven't posted in a while.
Many thoughts, questions, topics, lists all run through my head but as I open up blogger and try to start to type - there is just nothing - no words seem appropriate.

I'm not sure why words don't seem appropriate right now.
Maybe it is because there is SO MUCH going on inside my head and heart.
Maybe because there is SO LITTLE going on and i'm just tired.

This afternoon i was grieved.
Overwhelmingly so.
I would just look at my friends and peers in the eyes and get all teary eyed.
Even just thinking about turning my thoughts to God and I got teary eyed.
In mid conversation I'd get teary eyed...
*i'm sure you get the point*

This was the state I was in as I arrived early for Volleyball practice tonight.
I started crying as I walked to the gym.
Arrived and began stretching and getting ready - feeling so heavy and so sensitive.
I swear if someone had said something even slightly "sarcastic" to me I would have broke down.

Once again sports rescued me from my emotional state.
They have honestly saved my life on so many occasions and I am blubberingly thankful for their role in my life.
They served as that outlet for all the bottled up emotions I had growing up - all the things I didn't know how to deal with or face, all the "what if's" and "i don't knows", the "i don't get it's" and the "i'm trying so hard's"

I thought of their role in my life as I served the ball, cheered for my friends, and made myself do pushups till I thought my elbows were going to pop off. (I hate arthritis)

and now I am so very tired.
physcially, emotionally, and Spiritually.
I need rest.
I need a hot shower but our shower is broken...*argh*
I need tea....
mmm - yes - to the tea I go.