Movie Musings

I am amazed at the busyness of life.
How things - many and varied - seem to fall onto the "to do" heap all at the same time.
How life throws at you thoughts you've never considered before, gives you a glimpse of yourself from a radically different angle, and through it all teaches you the importance of integrity.

I watched The Last Samurai yesterday - it has been a while since I have seen it. Like most people I am drawn to the honourable warrior lifestyle of the Samurai especially in comparison to the arrogant cockiness of the North American mind and lifestyle. I am drawn to it because well firstly it is another culture and I love other cultures but also because it is such a contemplative and meditative lifestyle being portrayed. The appreciation of beauty, of discipline, of integrity and honour.

In no way do I say this movie is perfect, it is still very much so Hollywood's portrayal and I know that full well, but this time through - as with previous viewings of it - certains parts, or sentences, or facial expressions that say more than words ever could, seemed to capture something - parallel with some of the stirrings of my soul lately.

The movie put an image to it and in the process I saw a part myself. I saw deep longings that I have not been able to put words too and like the weepy human I am as of late - I wept and grieved for the loss of something so beautiful - this way of life with all of its history and values.

Of course with it has its flaws - but as Kazumoto (the Samurai leader) speaks throughout the movie of a life that is not wasted if it was spent searching for that perfect blossom something in my spirit yelled "YES!" I saw the parallels about how my life is not wasted searching the mysteries of God that seem so elusive.

I was struck throughout the movie how the simple, honourable, and disciplined ways of the Samurai were so hard for Alderan to grasp. You could read it all over his face as they had their conversations. It was like the sound of two things grinding together causing the face to scrunch up because it is nearly unbearable. The way of life of the Samurai stood in the face of everything Alderan thought life was about and in turn challenged him and changed him.

I thought about how that was an interesting image for following Jesus. The ways of the Kingdom of God stand in the face of everything we think life is about or is supposed to be about. It challenges us and changes us as we begin to see and understand parts of it.
Its mysteries invade us and flip things around - how do you hold onto and live this "upside down" Kingdom? This Kingdom's way of life that seems to grind against how we think life is supposed to be lived?
I want to embody this way of life, this upside down Kingdom's rhythm of life.

concerts

The other day I was taken back into a memory - a concert I went to with friends - and just loved the moment of being caught up in that memory. It got me to thinking about the artists that I have seen live...here's who I have seen in no particular order.

Delirious
Riley Armstrong
Hokus Pick
Placebo
Idlewild
Jann Arden and the Wpg Symphony Orchastra
Ani Difranco
Our Lady Peace
Amanda Marshall
Remmy Shand

not a very long list... wish It was longer....there are many musicians out there that I would like to see live. There are a bunch of smaller, independant bands that I have seen as well but I won't list them all...

who's concerts have you been too?

Library - itis

I have spent nearly every free moment during the last few days in the library.
I think I am developing a twitch.
One of those twitches from doing things too much.
Like blinking...
(Have you ever tried focusing on blinking and in turn over blinked?)

Anyway it is starting to get under my skin.
I do not particularly like working in this library.
However the recent expansion has made it MUCH more pleasant to spend some time here.

It is becoming quite disgusting the amount of work I have to do.
Major papers and assignments coming out of my wazoooooo,
readings and teachings to prepare for.....
all this too accomplish with only a mere 25 days left...
what the heck - when did that happen.

My eyes burn from staring at word documents,
My back aches from sitting in this chair that is too low for the table,
My mind dribbles......sort of like normal......

So its at the point where I will be reading a paragraph and upon reaching the end I stop, look up and realize that what I just read was important - but the problem is that I don't know why it is important, so I just stare at the words like they are foreign entities on the page mocking me with their "oh so important" ness.....

*sigh*

Could this be a sign of too much schooling?
Could this be a sign of mental break down?
Tea is needed.
Twill solve the problem.

the power of steadiness

It is a new week - or well some look at it as the last day of the old week - either way it is a new day and for me and the start of a new week. I am still sick being plagued with a cough that keeps me up most nights and a constant feeling of nausea that is just plain annoying. It really is frustrating trying to live life with this "thing" stayin' about. Anyway...soon it will go.

My aunt sent me a quiz about which race in middle earth you belong too....
Very pleased to find out where I belong ....


What race in Middle Earth do you belong too?

I have been surprised by the power of truth as of late.
One of the stories of my life is how God has been so subtle and yet so powerful in that subtleness. How I have always wanted to SEE him working, moving, changing things in my life and how I never could. You know...I wanted the burning bush, the red sea, cloud by day and fire by night sort of stuff...don't we all?
Then a few years later I look back and see the power of God, the grace of his action in my life, and how he so incredibly changes things.

He hasn't changed his pattern of how he works in my life and I have grown so thankful for it. He is steady and consistent, changing things deep and below eye level. Sure it is easy to get discouraged thinking that "nothing is changing" "nothing is happening" but in reality something colossal is getting reworked, not just surface stuff, but things that lie deep. He is taking the time to rework things properly so that they are brand new.

Becaues I have looked back in my life and seen this "pattern" and have known the power of this steadiness, I feel like I have faith to trust and obey in the face of crazy things. I feel reckless and like a little child without a worry because I know God is working and I trust his work.

I have encountered Truth and surprise surprise! it has shown itself steady, consistent, and transformative. Doing such work that I cannot even imagine, behind the surface, in deep places, like a steady stream of water falling through cracks and bringing life to dry places.

very, very neat....

still sick

It was pitch black when I flopped out of my warm bed this morning.
Jack the cat (who is black) nearly met his death as I stumbled over him on my way to the door. The funny thing was that he would wait in the hallway and when he heard me move even slightly, he was in my room, meowing up a storm, trying to get me out of bed.

Disgruntled and barely breathing I finally catered to my starving cat.

I was up unusually early this morning and over a warm over sized mug of hot chocolate I watched the most incredible sunrise through horror frosted trees. My roommate wasn't up yet so he house was quiet (all except Jack scarfing away his food). It was really nice to be standing in the dark, with warm liquid sliding down my poor soar and scratched throat, watching an amazing winter sunrise....

I am still sick.
I haven't been sick this long in a REALLY long time.
I can't breathe, can't sleep, barely have a voice because I have coughed it to death.
*sigh*

I wonder if I go to our volleyball tourny this weekend would I pass out from the exertion? I guess I'll find out at practice tonight....I hate passing out.

My mom is in Montreal.
I'm so excited for her, someday we'll make the trip to that city together.
Oh and I finally mailed of that application for that missions internship thing this summer...now we will wait and see if I get accepted.

Here is too a day of hot chocolate and tea, friends and laughter, sun spots and fireplaces.

*blah*

I want to write and expound the musings going on in my heart.
This illness I am currently being visited by is preventing me though.

There are 31 days until we as a student body are released for Xmas break.
31 days.
Where the heck has this semester gone?

I watched two movies yesterday, I haven't done that in a long time, the whole watching two movies back to back I mean.

And I really want to play my PS2 but my TV is being lame and so I can't.
Deep suckage.

*sigh*

10 beautiful things in the midst of being sick:
- a warm, comfortable bed.
- movies to distract the brain
- tea
- seeing my friends smile
- candles
- books
- tea
- friends
- sun spots
- pretending to be Jack the cat

back in eston

I
am
wiped.

so utterly
exhausted.

I drove most of the way home. To do that when you have had a full and packed weekend is quite a feat. Not to mention the fact that driving zones me right out anyway. None the less we made it back here in fine form give or take a couple tired drivers.

I had a really good weekend.
I am so thankful that I was able to go.
It was worth feeling this tired at the end of it.

Now it is early to bed so that I can arise early and right a book review...
ahhhh *sigh* so quickly back into the grind of this world of bible college.

I am done in 5 1/2 months...
can you believe that?
I sure can't.

A little Will for ya...

Blow, blow, thou winter wind,
Thou art not so unkind
As man's ingratitude;
Thy tooth is not so keen,
Because thou art not seen,
Although thy breath be rude.
Heigh-ho! sing, heigh-ho!
unto the green holly:
Most friendship is feigning,
most loving mere folly:
Then, heigh-ho, the holly!
This life is most jolly.
Freeze, freeze, thou bitter sky,
That does not bite so nigh
As benefits forgot:
Though thou the waters warp,
Thy sting is not so sharp
As friend remembered not.
Heigh-ho! sing . . .

new place

I find myself in Regina Saskatchewan blogging this afternoon.
It is reading break at the college and instead of sticking around the school I took the opportunity to come down to this - The Queens City - and visit with friends, old and new, and to lend some support to Sheri who is speaking at the youth conference.

It has been really nice to be away from the college.
Thankfully I get my fix in on volleyball trips - but I missed the last trip and so I feel as though I have been cooped up at that place for too long.
But all is well, I ususally only need a handful of days with a change of scenery and then its all good and I can return and work hard.

Well I did it guys - I bought a new laptop.
The old died and now I have one that is reliable and which was a good.
it feels nice, the familar fun of getting used to a "new" toy....
I am just relieved that I have a reliable computer now, and I have lots of warrenty on it which will last me because I have no idea what I am doing come April. lol.

*sigh*
I am off to have my daily afternoon shower...
ciao.

all over the place

I obviously haven't posted in a while.
Many thoughts, questions, topics, lists all run through my head but as I open up blogger and try to start to type - there is just nothing - no words seem appropriate.

I'm not sure why words don't seem appropriate right now.
Maybe it is because there is SO MUCH going on inside my head and heart.
Maybe because there is SO LITTLE going on and i'm just tired.

This afternoon i was grieved.
Overwhelmingly so.
I would just look at my friends and peers in the eyes and get all teary eyed.
Even just thinking about turning my thoughts to God and I got teary eyed.
In mid conversation I'd get teary eyed...
*i'm sure you get the point*

This was the state I was in as I arrived early for Volleyball practice tonight.
I started crying as I walked to the gym.
Arrived and began stretching and getting ready - feeling so heavy and so sensitive.
I swear if someone had said something even slightly "sarcastic" to me I would have broke down.

Once again sports rescued me from my emotional state.
They have honestly saved my life on so many occasions and I am blubberingly thankful for their role in my life.
They served as that outlet for all the bottled up emotions I had growing up - all the things I didn't know how to deal with or face, all the "what if's" and "i don't knows", the "i don't get it's" and the "i'm trying so hard's"

I thought of their role in my life as I served the ball, cheered for my friends, and made myself do pushups till I thought my elbows were going to pop off. (I hate arthritis)

and now I am so very tired.
physcially, emotionally, and Spiritually.
I need rest.
I need a hot shower but our shower is broken...*argh*
I need tea....
mmm - yes - to the tea I go.

Barely Breathing

This candle lit room envelopes me in its calm,
surrounds me with its gentle light.
This moment is precious, delicate and I dare not breath for fear of it leaving.
This presence with me is soft, gentle, and allows me to rest,
I am known so completely, so entirely..... what amazing rest is found in that.

Staring out the rain streaked window is somehow so satisfying.
Watching drops of rain gather weight and then slide down the pane is like watching flowers dance in the wind or birds soar on a breeze.
I sit barely breathing, just watching rain fall and cover the world on the other side of the window.

I am challenged in this moment.
Not as if someone were yelling - but I am challenged in the whisper.
That intimate whisper sending shivers throughout my soul.

I look forward to watching the rain as I slip into sleep.

the onslaught of November

It is november and with novemeber comes the ever and all to familar barrage of stress, sleepless nights, cold weather, stress, sleepless nights, cold weather, stress...

I had my panick attack reverantly referred to as the "freak out session" sunday and monday as I was preparing to teach a class for my mentor who was away.
rapid breathing
nervous beyond healthy limits
sweaty palms
nausea
light headed
I was quite a sight.

Sure I was nervous about teaching on Monday - I won't lie - but this nervous "freak attack" I had was much larger than the issue of teaching on monday. It was one of those "holy-crap-everything-is-caving-in-on-me-and-I-won't-get-it-all-done" moments. It was a time when your huge "to do" list is so large and extensive that it rolls and wraps around your brain many times, consuming all that is in there, all rational thought, and any hope of calm.

Of course I survived teaching and leading class discussion - thanks be to God.
Of course things are never really has horrid as they seem to appear.
Of course I probably overracted
but the point is the moment consumed me....
swallowed me in its teethy, slimly grip.
*blahhhh*

I am still waiting on stupid student loans......grrrrr......
and I am listening to Old WCV music....*sigh*
Its their 10 yr anniversary as a community this weekend....
wish I could be there....

And I am joining the FHL here at school (floor hockey league)
fun times...fun times...

Bring it on November....bring it on I say...