Collapse

Its like I am standing before this mountainous wall of rock,
not one gigantic slab of rock, but a wall of stone made up with many pieces.
Its so high I cannot see the top and it is so wide I cannot see either edge,
it consumes me in its scale.

Because I am a texture person I reach out to touch the stone,
to feel its solid cool under my finger tips.
In part I reach out to connect what I see to what I feel.
Is this stone wall actually before me?

I see a small stone that can easily be pulled out
and so I grab hold of it, rolling its edges in my palm.
In the midst of my thought while holding this small stone
I hear the sound of tension, the build up of pressure.
Suddenly the realization that in my reaching and grabbing this small stone,
this wall before me is somehow weakened.
The sounds of tension and pressure are coming from this stone wall
and the danger of the situation becomes very real.

I try and replace the stone as if I never took hold of it.
Frantically trying to stop the collapse that I know is coming.
Suddendly the sound is deafening,
the sound of stone cracking under incredible weight.
I am caught in the collapse, this mountainous stone wall
crumbling and falling about me.
Turning and attempting to run I am caught by the falling stone.
Caught beneath its weight,
its edges,
its collapse.

Survived Soccer

I am definately sore from Soccer this weekend.
My knees,
my back,
my neck...
but enough complaining out of me.

I fell asleep last night in my bed (which I am hopelessly in love with) and with clean sheets, pillow case, duvet cover, and blanket. It was bliss, comfort, and a peice of the divine all in one moment.

Jack Johnson is providing a most wonderful soundtrack to my morning.
I love walking around in my headphones somedays, listening to that perfect music that makes it feel like you are in a movie. I love those feelings. This morning is one of those mornings. I listened to Will Smith all wkd at soccer and even when I wasn't listening to it, i was still singing it...it was stuck in my mind very deeply. lol.

yup that is all i got, until later.

silly puddy brain mush

My head nearly exploded today.
I don't quite understand what made this day any different or more prone to near head explosions - but wow.

Now obviously I am not talking about literal head explosion, but the sort of head stretching pound-it-on-a-wall sort of explosion.
The kind where you are hearing or being presented with ideas that are just so much larger than what you have thought of before.
The kind where your paradigms, and boundries of what you know are suddenly stretched much farther than you think is comfortable or normal for any one moment.
The kind where you litteraly need to hold your head because you are SURE that something is going to fall off because of the pressure....
*sigh*

I thought it was gunna just be during the day ya know, during classes or conversations with people and then it was gunna let up, because it really was a SERIOUS amount of streching for one day. Noooo...then chapel had to come (which was great) but it just CONTINUED the stupid head nearly exploding episode

....*arg*....

I sat there and almost the whole time all I could do was hold my head, because i think by that point peices WERE actually falling off because of the pressure build up.

oi.

My plan was to do some homework tonight seeing as i have a large amount. But i just can't, I can't make my little, tired, stretched brain that resembles something like pulled apart silly puddy do any more work. It just doesn't seem right.

there is only one suitable answer for a moment - or consecutive string of moments - such as this and that answer undeniably is
TEA.

Its Over!!

Ah friends, the search is over!
Thanks to a wonderful friend here at college and our similar musical tastes she has found the author of a song that has been haunting me, trailing me and won't let up in my head!
For months and months this particular song was playing literally everywhere I went, every radio i was near in the cities or in small towns - it was everywhere!

At first I was like "oh that's a nice song" and then soon thereafter I couldn't handle it anymore, I needed - for the sake of my sanity - to know who the artist was. So I started asking where ever I heard it playing. OF COURSE no one, absolutely no one, had a clue who she was. I heard everything from Faith Hill, to Natalie Imbruglia, to Chantel Kreviasick, to Michelle Branch...( I mean really people, could you broaden the field any larger?? lol)

Needless to say I have been living in torture for a very long time with no way of finding out who she was and where she was from and everytime I heard that song I would almost loose my mind. Even trying to search for it on the net was pointless (do you know how many songs there are with Breathe in the title....a very many)

Yesterday I am walking through the lounge and my friend calls out to me "Rach, have you heard this artist before?" so I walk over because I am always about expanded my musical tastebuds...I put the earphones on and what song do I hear? Thats right folks, the song that has been haunting me FOREVER (slight exaggeration I realize) and I just stood there bug eyed, not believing...but there it is...I found the artist. *sigh* I can rest in peace.

Its like when you see an actor in a show who is normally in a movie but you haven't seen the movie in a while and you KNOW you recognize the actor but you JUST CAN'T place it, his name or even what movie he was in, ya that happens to me ALOT because I see so many movies.

beauty eh

For the last couple weeks the trees outside have been covered with snow and ice that makes even those of us who despise the cold love the winter season. It has been so beautiful. As I walk around town to various places, so many times I have had to stop because the beauty of the snow on trees, vehicles, houses, and fences just stops me short. Of course I haven't had my camera with me in those moments and I get frustrated with that reality, so I have decided to find a way to attach my camera to my body, so that it will come everywhere with me, for those most wonderfully random moments of beauty.

Yet that is a fine line is it not? I mean, I wonder sometimes if God simply gives us moments of beauty for that moment, something to be tucked away in your secret place with God.

Take a sunrise or sunset for example, some are more brilliant than others, all are amazing, and they last but a few string of moments and then life continues. I love finding those little moments of beauty that God places in our day, just for you if you have eyes to see them there, because there is always beauty around you, we are immersed in it, yet we often don't have eyes to see it.

What has been beautiful to me lately?
- snow on the trees.
- the sound of a piano
- the look in the eyes of my friend
- those two wonderful sun spots here at the college
- watching the girls try hard and play so well at soccer this wkd
- seeing the weeds on the side of the highway frozen and covered in ice
- hearing Jack purr as he is all curled up on the bed
- hearing my friend laugh from across the room
- listening to Michael Kaeshammer's blues piano rendition of Just a Closer Walk with Thee (frickin' amazing)

What beauty have you seen/noticed lately?

I love athletics

I am sure somewhere in the course of this blogging blog-ness I have mentioned my love of athletics, pretty much any sport I will either love it right away or most likely grow to love it.

I often have difficulty just "working out". The processes of finding enough energy to get to the gym and then to actually work out, thanks but I would rather spend my solidtude doing something else.
I need a "sport" to work out in. Ya know - something like volleyball, badminton, basketball, hockey, floor hockey....anything really.

This is why, even though I am discustingly busy this semester, I am still on the soccer team (we leave for a tourny in an hour) and I play on the FGBC's Bob Stone floor hockey conference (we did the draft for this semester and I GET TO STAY WITH MY TEAM! HORRAY).

I need things like that to get my heart pumping, blood flowing - I mean who knows when and where I will be able to play sports after I leave this place. I do believe I have missed my prime and even though I am looking at attending University I doubt I'll make the cut for atheltic teams...we shall see.

I find myself getting really excited, i have a ride to the Peg for reading break and I haven't been there in over a year (that's just sad and wrong) so i'm very excited to be back in that city, connect with great people that I got to know a little bit before I left, be back at WCV...i can't wait....so for all you Winnipegers that read this blog - see ya soon!

the overlap

The beginnings of semesters are so insane.
I don't like seeing my friends and peers so stressed.
Syllabi mounting, assignments looming, responsibilities not disappearing.
The beginning is always especially nasty.
The fear and panic settle in like thick fog.
All hope seems to disappear in the haze.
Sure it passes eventually, but the time before it passes is torturous.
"How can I possibly accomplish all this semester is demanding of me?"
"How do I balance my life with my school work?"
*sigh*
It is starting to hit me in ripples,
this reality that I am graduating April 23rd.
That as far as I know next fall will not carry with it the stress of syllabi, assignments, organizing how many hours in a day you have to play with, trying to figure out how long you need for different assignments.
Its been one crazy awesome ride these last three and a half years.
Strange that this season is ending and another is starting....
I find myself today in the overlap.....

I miss you Nikki - dearly

this grief - it weighs so.
its tides move in and sweep me away,
pulling me limb and tears thrashing into its grip.

helpless to its strength,
consumed by its scale,
soothed by its pain,
fearful of its striping power...

raw and bare I exist in this grip.
like a faded scent the sound of her laugh
fades in and out.
The smirk in her smile still brings one to mine,
and I am still caught up in her eyes
as she tells a story.

So near to my heart,
so detailed in my mind,
yet these memories have become so 'Monet',
so faded and muted in their colour,
no longer realistic in expression,
....yet still so powerful in that expression,
however impressionistic it may be....

moving on is an issue for tomorrow's plate.
...or next week's.
...or next month.
and yet as I desire to never face that issue,
i know it will come and much sooner than hoped.
Sure as the sun rises,
so does time keep ticking,
life keep going,
and so I will keep trying to live in the midst of grief.

Art History

I am so thankful for this art history course I am just finishing up. To be able to take a course on something that I really find interesting and appicable is such a gift I think.

Being in class however is somewhat frustrating because certain "wrestlings" that have lain dormant are not very much so not dormant any longer, they are in my face daring me to wrestle with them. I find I can only wrestle with them in fits, small moments of strength, and then I collapse in exhuastion, hyper ventalating as my spirit is out of shape and doesn't know how to wrestle.

I am hoping however, that the small moments when i do fight, and wrestle those things that it will be a means of training and my spirit and heart will grow stronger....

I have been so overwhelmed by my love for a couple of things lately.

I have always wanted to be a photographer.
In fact I think one of the first careers that I remember wanting to pursue when I was a child was to work for National Geographic as a photo journalist (I mean travel and take photo's as a living! Hello! Frickin' amazing)

The other has been sculptures.
Being an only child I spent much time on my own farting around in the back yard, or in back alleys or in broke down buildings and such. I was an explorer, i loved it. But I remember trying to carve things out of blocks of wood I found or enormous stones. ( I used to throw smaller stones at the large stones trying to carve it - needless to say it didn't work very well but boy did I try...lol)

These two things have been stiring in me like crazy since before xmas, and it is getting near unbearable...

I found once again the web site of this sculptor in Vancouver - stinking amazing stuff...take a gander, especially the suspended figures...

Go Here

Sing to me Eddie...

Even though I was born in '82, my first conscious appreciation of music came with the likes of Guns and Roses, AC DC, Van Halen, Metallica and once the dawn of the early nineties arrived came the appreciate of Nirvana and Pearl Jam, (not forgetting early Much Dance Mixes.... mmm)

Today has been a Pearl Jam day,
Acoustic tracks and otherwise the vocals of Mr. Vedder and the musical abilities of the band has taken me back to one of my first musical loves and has reminded me of how much I love this band.

*sigh*
sing to me the rest of my day Mr. Vedder...

As said by John Wesley

Do all the Good you can.
By all the means you can.
In all the ways you can.
In all the places you can.
At all the times you can.
To all the people you can.
As long as ever you can.

and a prayer from the Book of Common Prayer to send you on your way...

Send us now into the world in peace,
and grant us strength and courage
to love and serve you
with gladness and singleness of heart;
Through Christ our Lord, Amen.

well...

the banners are hanging.
They are up.
..........and its only taken four months..........
(note the sarcasim..*wink*)

I will say that it definately looks really good to have material hanging in there. It amazes me that even something as simple as putting material up, can change and add SO MUCH to a room.
I love our chapel but it is so bleak and the one bit of art that is there is covered up by the overhead screen, so its nice to seem something different in there.....
I don't think that I am sold on the image on them yet, but that is more of a paint and material issue...it would be AMAZING if we had some gifted banner makers that could use that transparent gold material that I used and then sew the image on instead of paint it...that would look AMAZING... ( I will add it to my "learn how to do" list)

anyway...after a week of art history class, painting till I can't handle it anymore and more late nights than I care to remember...I am off to play 007 on my PS2, i need to touch up on my snipeing capabilities....why is running around stealthily with a gun so satisfying to my soul?


p.s- for those of you who follow the church seasons, yesterday was the begining of Epiphany - I challenge you to find ways in which you can celebrate the season!

CANADA WON!

What a wonderful game.
Canada beating Russia in the gold medal game 5-0 (actually 5-1)
Both teams played well,
Canada played AMAZING....
*sigh*
I really love hockey...
hahaha.

Cheers to you Junior Team! Good job...

Go CANADA Go!

I just have to say that I was DEEPLY happy that the USA World Junior Hockey team got beaten.

Canada is in the finals against Russia tonight!
HORRAY!



Watching world Jr. Hockey over xmas was something I greatly enjoyed when I caught it.
Canada is so going to win, they are playing so well...

today

Favorite things today:

• Not The Doctor acoustic version by Alanis Morrisette
• Camomille Tea
• The smell of paint
• Making faces at friends while they are in class. *snicker*
• The stripped dungeon.
• rearranging and cleaning my office.
• My clove candle by my bed.
• Wrestling through issues dealing with communicating truth through art.

Happy New Year!

Well my first class of second semester has now come and gone.
I think it will be good.
Of course it will throw a tonne of issues on my mind and heart that just need to be wrestled through but it is good to be in Dal's class again, i think it will be good.

I need to go paint these banners...
argh.
maybe if all goes well i will finish them tonight!
Here's hoping!

Happy new year friends, happy new year.

tomorrow is monday

Today was the first full day I have been back at college for this my last semester.
Definately very strange.
Tomorrow mini semester starts and that will - I am sure - be very strange.

I was just wiped today.
Almost completley out of commission.
I hope I sleep well tonight so that I have some energy to face tomorrow.

There is much going on in this little heart and life of mine.
Many emotions, many thoughts.
The will to fight for freedom and truth comes and goes,
It is always harder to fight for oneself than it is for others.

It was one of those beautiful winter days today.
sort of warm, but snowing lightly...
it was nice.